If you’ve spent any time reading/listening to psychology, self-help books or gurus, you’ll probably have heard it mentioned. According to these books, if we don’t forgive, we eventually turn into balls of rage and seething anger, trapped in a life of inner turmoil and destined to self-implode in a spiral of selfishness and stubborn self-destruction.

I Don’t Do Forgiveness. Well, I do do forgiveness, but only for the right people. The people who take responsibility for their actions, the people who will take action to make amends, even if it means facing some tough stuff within themselves. Even then, there is a ‘forgiveness line’. Once someone crosses that, there’s no going back. Abusive behavior crosses this line. This behavior is not acceptable to me and that’s why I don’t buy the ‘forgiveness for all’ approach. There are some people I just don’t want to forgive.

What Forgiveness Is – Forgiveness only comes when people have shown that they recognized their actions were wrong and have taken steps to make amends.

Sometimes, Forgiveness Is Dangerous. Why? Because it’s a way of letting ourselves pretend that things weren’t really so bad, that we didn’t really feel that hurt, or that scared or that angry. Here’s the thing: undeserved forgiveness is not only cruel to you, it’s cruel to the perpetrator as well. By forgiving, we are condoning their actions, saying it’s OK for them to behave that way. If we don’t forgive, if we raise our standards and expect more in retribution; that affects their standards too.
The Bottom Line: Forgiveness has to be earned and it’s totally OK not to forgive someone. There is no ‘should’ – you can choose to forgive or not, whoever is concerned. There is such a thing as unforgivable. Pretending there isn’t is doing ourselves a disservice.

A Few Words From My Pit Of Seething Self-Destruction…In some ways, I’ve achieved what those self-help writers are talking about – I’ve let go of the bad stuff and I feel good about that. It’s just that instead of forgiving, I chose not to forgive. I’ve moved on with my life, they’ve moved on with theirs… we’re just not doing it together. And I’m a stronger person for that.