Did you watch Oprah’s compelling interview with three sisters who survived eight years of rape and incest.
The sisters were articulate and handled the questioning with a tremendous amount of grace. They were clear about the depth of pain and damage they’d endured. They were genuine, they are survivors. I’ve worked with hundreds of men and women who have survived rape and incest, and I admire their willingness to be so vulnerable. I admire their inner strength, it takes a mountain of courage to tell the truth about being abused.
But telling their compelling and heartbreaking story wasn’t enough for the Oprah show. We, and the young women, had to hear disturbing details about what their perpetrators said during the investigation – and immediately, the camera cuts to the young women crying. I’m starting to get angry, and hoping this will be redeemed before the show ends. Next, their mother makes a statement; not taking blame, not really apologizing and the young women don’t seem surprised. They already knew their mother betrayed them by not protecting them.
I guess I should have seen it coming. The perpetrators get to talk. They talk by phone, from prison, about how sorry they are – or aren’t. Why do rapists get time on national television? Is it because it’s “Season 25″ for Oprah, and if you’ve been watching that show, you know “over the top” is the name of the game.
I’m angry that Oprah gave them airtime. I didn’t want to hear what the abusers had to say. Moreover, the sisters didn’t want to hear what they had to say. It’s one of those moments, when powerful television, trades in its power for exploitation. But wait, there’s more.
Oprah asked, ”How does it feel to hear (her abuser) say he’s sorry and wants your forgiveness, you feel what?”
The young woman replies, “Confused.”
So Oprah gives her “favorite” definition of forgiveness,
“‘Forgiveness’ is giving up the hope that the past could’ve been any different.” Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could’ve been any different. So you don’t hold on to wishing that you’d had a different kind of brother, a different kind of mother, a different kind of family. You let that go and you move forward with the grace that God has given you. From this day on, forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could’ve been any different.” ~ Oprah Winfrey
I think I understand what Oprah was trying to do. I think she was trying to help them move forward. The thing is, forgiveness means so many things, and these young women don’t need Oprah to tell them to move forward, or what to believe or how to feel. Isn’t Oprah always talking about finding and speaking “your own truth.” If they choose to forgive, they’ll do it in their own time and in their own way. They might not want to forgive at all – it’s really their journey.
If Oprah had wanted to help them “move forward” then she and her staff could have spared them from seeing their perpetrators photos, or hearing their voices. Oprah could have asked how a person puts their life back together after so much abuse and pain. What happens when you tell the truth and lose your family? What challenges them now, day-to-day? What gives them hope, if anything?
You let us down Oprah. You said that you’ve done dozens of shows on rape and incest over the years. How then, did you miss the concept that every survivor has a right to feel whatever he or she feels. Telling these brave women to “move forward” doesn’t really help and doesn’t really move them forward. It’s akin to telling them to “get over it.” These courageous women will move on in their own way and in their own time.
The Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network http://www.rainn.org is the nations largest anti-sexual violence organization. RAINN offers information and help 24/7 for those who are victims of sexual assault or incest. You can call 1-800-656-4673. Your call is confidential. You can get help today.
Oprah does what Will make good shows. It is scary that she has her own network, at least to me. Time will tell.
Sharon, I wonder what makes a good show? Is it ratings? Is it relevant content? I think this had a shot at being a “good show” but I really think she and her producers blew it. It came off exploitative rather than deeply moving.
My blood pressure went up 50 points just reading this post. As an adult survivor of childhood sexual abuse (by a cousin), having ANYONE tell me I NEED to forgive, makes me want to slap the shit out of them. I think there is a fine line between Oprah’s definition of forgiveness and letting go. For example, I can release my father for not being there during my childhood– from my hope that the past would have been different, release him from my expectations, my ego-based need to see some sort of justice. However, this in no way lets him off the hook for his responsibilities as a father. Instead, it releases me emotionally, and I release him to come to his own conclusions on his own terms. When the forgiveness is not forced, it seems to result naturally, either as closure for the respective individuals or in reconciliation.
Conversely, sexual trauma is a wound that time does not heal, at least not completely. There is a piece of oneself that was taken, an innocence that cannot be regained, no matter how much time passes. Moving on happens, working through one’s issues happens, trust is extended in new relationships. BUT, forgiveness of the perpetrator takes a lifetime. LIFETIME. It is a PROCESS, that cannot be put on a timeline. In my opinion, what Oprah did to these women was emotional rape–she set them up, violated them, then exploited their vulnerability in front of an audience of millions. Just as the girls’ mother failed to protect them–so did Oprah. They were like lambs led to the slaughter.
Oprah’s show, website and magazine touts the platitude, “Live your best life.” I’d love to ask her how her show today empowered these women to do so. Instead, it seems the best life she had in mind had only to do with her ratings.
Lorrie, this is so well articulated. Letting go and forgiving are separate and distinct and I appreciate you spelling that out. Thank you too, for elaborating on the exploitation. It completely felt ratings-driven. I appreciate your openness in sharing your story.
i also am a survivor and i must say she is not telling them this she is giving them good advice. if you choose not to forgive than you will always stay in the same place and from what it sounds like it is not a pleasant place to be.
forgiveness is for you not them . it binds you it traps you and keeps you in its grip. they have gone on with their life so fine do not forgive and stay right were you are at . Oprah has a business so yea maybe she does care somewhat about her ratings but it is what she presents that counts she does try to help people improve the quality of life and is an inspiration . I was one of the 200 male survivors in the audience on that show and let me tell you she cares more than just about some dam ratings. She is wise and all she is trying to do i make the world a better place . Yes everyone is in a different place in their recovery maybe that is why you took this so hard. Forgive and be released or do not and stay where you are the choice really is simple .
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Cynthia, thanks for sharing this post. I still haven’t seen the show. I was on an hour long conversation with my daughter who lives in another state during the show. I knew the show was on and chose to spend time with my daughter instead. I appreciate what you have to say about the show. Thank you. I shared this post on my Facebook page and on Twitter.
Lorrie, I agree with your words about forgiveness. It is a complex process and some choose not to forgive. That doesn’t mean that healing can’t take place. Forgiveness came as an end product of my healing after I worked my way through my anger, pain and grief, not before. If it was possible to “just get over it,” don’t you think we would if it meant not hurting any more. Like you, I get very angry when someone tells me to “just get over it.” I heard Dr. Phil say very recently that time does not heal everything. I agree with him. It takes hard work to heal.
Cynthia,
I’m a survivor of child sexual abuse, and have talked to a lot of survivors through the years. I did see this Oprah episode, and I came away with a somewhat different viewpoint.
The three sisters were courageous, steadfast, and honest. While I dislike Oprah giving their abusers a platform, there is one mighty reason — that isn’t exploitative — to do so. Each of these men publicly admitted the crimes were true. Each of them corroborated the sisters’ accounts, and acknowledged that as children the sisters had been grossly betrayed.
This is in an entirely different category than the abuser saying “I’m sorry” or asking forgiveness. Child abuse survivors are repeatedly told as children that they are lying, they tell stories, nobody will ever believe them, nobody cares, nobody will help them if they do tell. Putting abusers in prison is a legal construct which promotes safety and distance, but then the children are made to feel blame (as these sisters were) “for tearing apart the family”.
What these sisters heard was a powerful validation of the reality of their childhood, which cannot be altered or trivialized or doubted. Many survivors never hear their abusers admit to their crimes, whether convicted or not.
I also noted the sister saying she was “confused” after hearing the phone conversation of her brother asking for forgiveness. But the other sister said words to the effect of, “He says he’s sorry, but there’s no ‘sorry’ in his voice.” Both responses are normal. There’s still a little girl in there wishing this was just a really bad dream. But experience says, “Listen to his voice.”
It was my sense that these sisters made it this far by strongly supporting each other. They have the tools and good people around them now to decide for themselves when and whether forgiveness will occur.
Thanks for the discussion!
Sarah
Thank you for what you wrote.
I, too, saw the show and found the quote freeing! I thought the sisters were the bravest people I’ve ever seen. But I admit I would not watch the abusers. I didn’t want to see them or hear their voices. But I did come back in time to hear the quote and it was life changing for me. As a survivor of domestic violence it was what I needed. It challenged me to let go of the hope that he could’ve been…. It was what it was and I survived it.
It is my hope and prayer that the sisters will be able to realize that they have survived this and never ever look back.
I was searching for the quote Oprah gave regarding forgiveness and came across your blog. While I completely appreciate and understand this common point of view (and yes, I’ve experienced my own abuse) I feel compelled to share one thought. And that is, so many people are angry and hurt and don’t want to be told to forgive – what you don’t understand is that forgiveness isn’t about letting someone off the hook. Forgiveness is letting yourSELF off the hook. Choosing to forgive is for YOU, not for your offender. Do not let the offender continue to offend! Not choosing to forgive is instead choosing to continue to be a victim. Do you think they care if you forgive them? Probably not. Do you think they care you are sitting there angry and hurt? Not usually. Waiting to forgive until you are ready does not work – forgiving seven times seventy means each time you remember the experience you choose to forgive them again. And again. And again. Place your hurt and pain at the foot of the cross and let the One who has authority to forgive carry your burden. “For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive YOU. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive YOUR sins.” Mat 6:14-15 I hope I have not offended anyone – I only wish peace and comfort for you all ~ choose yourSELF – today. <3
Just seen the replay of this show, the look on these sisters faces showed so much hurt and pain it was hard to watch. I hope some day they will be able to heal.
hi. i liked the quote. i was 23 when i came forward for my sister/myself/cousin. i will be 40 this year. many years of counseling, book reading and healing…the oprah show, IMHO, was appropriate. these girls might not “get it” now…but years down the road and in their own place and time they will fully appreciate the gift of that Oprah quote. the quote was very validating and liberating….and gave me hope…and gratitude that eventually i was able to forgive. not forget…and not be revictimized…but able to forgive, have boundaries and a healthy future.
Forgiveness is Over Rated
If you’ve spent any time reading/listening to psychology, self-help books or gurus, you’ll probably have heard it mentioned. According to these books, if we don’t forgive, we eventually turn into balls of rage and seething anger, trapped in a life of inner turmoil and destined to self-implode in a spiral of selfishness and stubborn self-destruction.
I Don’t Do Forgiveness. Well, I do do forgiveness, but only for the right people. The people who take responsibility for their actions, the people who will take action to make amends, even if it means facing some tough stuff within themselves. Even then, there is a ‘forgiveness line’. Once someone crosses that, there’s no going back. Abusive behavior crosses this line. This behavior is not acceptable to me and that’s why I don’t buy the ‘forgiveness for all’ approach. There are some people I just don’t want to forgive.
What Forgiveness Is – Forgiveness only comes when people have shown that they recognized their actions were wrong and have taken steps to make amends.
Sometimes, Forgiveness Is Dangerous. Why? Because it’s a way of letting ourselves pretend that things weren’t really so bad, that we didn’t really feel that hurt, or that scared or that angry. Here’s the thing: undeserved forgiveness is not only cruel to you, it’s cruel to the perpetrator as well. By forgiving, we are condoning their actions, saying it’s OK for them to behave that way. If we don’t forgive, if we raise our standards and expect more in retribution; that affects their standards too.
The Bottom Line: Forgiveness has to be earned and it’s totally OK not to forgive someone. There is no ‘should’ – you can choose to forgive or not, whoever is concerned. There is such a thing as unforgivable. Pretending there isn’t is doing ourselves a disservice.
A Few Words From My Pit Of Seething Self-Destruction…In some ways, I’ve achieved what those self-help writers are talking about – I’ve let go of the bad stuff and I feel good about that. It’s just that instead of forgiving, I chose not to forgive. I’ve moved on with my life, they’ve moved on with theirs… we’re just not doing it together. And I’m a stronger person for that.
The Oprah Winfrey show is a show, she is trying to make good television, entertain people and help them. The sisters knew what was going to happen, they sign up for it. I fully agree with you that they were very brave. And I also agree with you that some parts of the show weren’t that refined but don’t say that Oprah let us down, Oprah let you down.
Cynthia, I agree with BvB… Oprah let you down, not us. Oprah is a Billionaire, she doesn’t need the money or the ratings, she’s obviously done something great in this world to win the respect of millions of people. I think you did this for your own personal benefit to bring in business using Oprah. Karyn, I couldn’t explain it any better. That’s exactly what was talked about. It’s about us… the victims to not be victims anymore and not about the victimizer. Most victimizers don’t even remember or even care. So it’s about us forgiving so that we don’t have to feel the pain. So instead of bashing on someone who’s trying to change the world, maybe you should join in and be of part of this never ending war of making this world a better place. I personally know someone who was raped repeatedly since the age of 5 until the age of 9 and sexually harassed until the age of 16. She forgave herself, the offender and the people surrounding the situation in her early 20′s and is now in her mid 20′s. You forgive when you choose to forgive, it’s a choice. When she saw this episode from Oprah, she said that’s exactly what happened to her… she accepted that what happened to her happened and there’s nothing she can do about it now, especially since that person already passed, and that automatically lifted pains and burdens and now is able to have a normal relationship. God Bless.
Just wanted to let you know that this “Oprah quote” is not really from her it is actually written by Jack Kornfeld, and it is: “forgiveness is giving up all hope of a better past.” I have learned a lot from that quote and I hate seeing it attributed to Oprah. We are not powerless and there a many things we can change, we can offer ourselves the nurturing and kindness we didn’t receive as children however no matter what we do we can NEVER change our past. I will never have a different childhood so why waste my time on all the “should’ve”s and “could’ve”s?
Thank you so much for sharing that!